A cold day in Brisbane

Today is the second coldest day in Brisbane in the last twenty years. Wednesday past was the coldest. Brrr. No central heating in my Queenslander, so it's been nights of hiding under the covers and drinking hot toddies to keep warm. It's also been raining off and on for the last week.

But today is Saturday and it's sunny. Hopefully it will warm up a bit here later in the day.

After waking up at 4:30AM this morning, I watched a recording of "My Own Private Idaho." River Phoenix and Keanu Reeves. OMFG. Keanu before he was anybody. River before his death. Gus van Sant. Seattle. Portland. Vistas of the American West. Love/Unlove, power, family, Dickens, street culture, and then, hustling at all levels. Now I see why the Hollywood crowd loved that film...so gritty, so not LA. I watched all the way through to the end of the credits, something I rarely do, and noticed the copyright date: 1991. Amazing. So much has happened since then. And the final scene where passers-by find River sleeping on the road and steal his shoes and duffle bag, to the slack string guitar version of "America the Beautiful." Harsh.

These days I alternate between feeling I've reached my level of incompetence, feeling as if I somehow don't have the "killer instincts" so prevalent in the world, and feeling it is precisely because I lack those instincts that I am who I am. It's a mixed up time.

I see films like that, and realize how good my life has been to this point, though it certainly has some interesting punctuations. Like the years I spent as a separatist, or the years taken to try to start my own business. Failures in so many ways, but successes in so many others. And now I work for a trans-national far from home and trusted to run a business. This isn't what I expected from life. So far from separatism and small business and my ideals.

What will become of me? I have no idea. At best, I can try to guide the trajectory along the river that is my life, and perhaps avoid some shoals and rocks. But on days like this, that is the best I hope for...to get knocked around a little less than usual.